Transcribed by Melody Carter
September 11, 1947
After being absent for some
three months, Cal is coming again. He
has been very, very busy and has had to leave off his usual “spoutings” and the
public has probably been relieved in some measure. However, quite a lot of friends have written and stated that they
liked the Column and requested that it be continued. So here goes again.
We believe we closed our
last writings with a promise to give some more of the usual and odd ideas,
views, opinions and notions about the Bible, and also to give some of the funny
side of a minister’s life.
We recall having once heard
the story of one of the brethren, who perhaps was not living according “to his
best lights,” and whose conduct was not conducive to his own spiritual
satisfaction. However, he did desire to
keep one of the commandments of the Lord and that is found at Matt.
42:42--”Watch therefore, for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come.” So taking this literally, he went to one of
his highest fields whereon there was a haystack and climbed to the top of the
stack. Here he had a commanding view of
the surrounding country; and, for a time, he watched “faithfully” for the Lord
to come. Finally, like the Apostles in
the Garden of Gethsemane, he went to sleep.
One of his boys discovered his father asleep on top of the haystack and proceeded
to set the hay on fire. A short time
later, the “watcher” awoke to find himself enveloped in flames and smoke. His only comment was: “The Lord has come and I am in hell just
like I thought I would be.”
We once read of a preacher
who had a son that was not all he might have been. In fact we may admit that this applies to practically all of the
sons of preachers. However, many of
their shortcomings would never be published to the world if their dads had
followed some other calling rather than that of a minister. This is to say that the mistakes made by
preachers’ sons are no worse on the average than those of the sons of men
engaged in other work. The preacher’s
boy’s blunders get more publicity. But
back to our story. This son one day picked up his father’s Bible and began
reading in the first of Genesis. He
read at the bottom of a page a statement about Adam’s wife, Eve. As he continued his reading, he aimed to
turn one page but the leaves of the Bible were thin and he turned two pages
instead. He soon saw his mistake, but a
mean thought came to him and he thought about how funny it would be if he
pasted the pages together and let his dad make the same mistake he had made. So he pasted the two pages together in a
very careful manner, so as to excite no suspicion on the part of his
father. Shortly thereafter the minister
was reading his Scripture lesson before a large congregation and was reading
from the first part of Genesis. He was
reading about Adam’s wife as he closed the page. Turning over to the next page, as he thought, he was amazed to
find his Bible giving a description of the Ark, 300 cubits long, 50 cubits
high, with one door in the side and a window above. He paused, wiped his perspiring brow and said: “Brethren , I
never new before that this was in the Bible.!!
I admit that this description of
Eve makes her out a rather over-sized
woman, but I am going to believe it because it is in my Bible.” A cubit is 1 1/2 feet.
We once read a sermon by a
young preacher about Noah and Ham and Sham and Japeth going into the Ark
just prior to the flood. His text
was: “And there was Ham and there was
Sham and there was Japeth, all a going into the Ark.” He began with a description
of the animals that went into the Ark. “And there was that great animal what
Goldsmith describes in his ‘Animated Natureah,’ what has got bones as big as a
tree, depending somewhat on the size of the tree, agoing into the Ark.” Here he repeated his text. Then he said, “And there was the antelope
that frisky little critter which can jump 75 feet straight up and twice that
distance down, provided his legs will take him that far, agoing into the Ark,”
and he repeated his text. Then he
followed with: “And there was the
anaconda that great serpent which Goldsmith describes, which can swallow six
oxen at a meal provided his appetite does not call for less, agoing into the
Ark,” followed with his text. Next he
took up the giraffe. “And there was the
giraffe, that ill contrived reptile that can eat hay off the top of the barn
depending somewhat on the height of the barn, agoing into the ark,” and
repeated his text. After describing
with equal minuteness other animals that went into the ark, he then began to
talk about Noah. “And poor old Noah,
after he got out of the Ark, planted him a vineyard and got drunk on the fuss
crop of grapes. But, my beloved
brethren, I really think that after all he had put up with all that time he was
in the Ark, the squealing of the pigs, the bleating of the sheep, the lowing of
the cattle, the braying of the donkeys, the cackling of the chickens, the
roaring of the lions and the wife’s quarreling on him, that he was entitled to
one spree.” We do not recall the results
of the sermon.
Many and varied have been
the pronunciations of Bible names. Take
the book of Leviticus as one example.
One old man called it the book of Levy-to-cus, putting the accent on the
closing syllable. Another called Nebuchadnezzar,
“Ne Buck had a razor.” One of our
school boys once referred to Job as if pronounced with a short o. Stephan has been called “Step-Han.” One fellow thought that the Acts of the
Apostles was a special axe used by the Apostles to cut down trees. One
preacher referred to I John, II John, and III John as one-eyed John, two-eyed
John, and three-eyed John.”
And there is old
Nicodemus. One man asked if the Bible
spoke of a Negro, and was told that the Negro was most probably referred to by
the term Ethiopian, when the Bible asked: “Can the Ethiopian change his skin?”
and another answered, “Why yes, the Bible speaks of a Negro.” When asked “Where,” he replied, “In the
third chapter of John, ‘And there was a man of the Pharisees, named Nigger
Demus.” Truly wisdom is justified of
her children.
We once knew of a minister
who but had little idea of geography and who went to fill an appointment. On
his return home he reported that he had hitched his beast to the same swinging
limb that the Lord hitched His beast to while He was here on earth. In the first place, the Lord never hitched
His beast to any swinging limb, so far as the Bible shows. In the second place, He was not here in
Middle Tennessee while He walked among the children of men. In the third place, we do not have any trees
in this part of the world that live 1,900 years. In the fourth place, how did he know the limb? In the fifth place, we do not believe what
he said.
In the matter of our
religious songs, there are many blunders and many funny things said and
done. Often brethren who lead singing
will sing a song entirely inappropriate to the occasion. We recall one minister who became
exasperated over the manner of singing a song.
He arose and in thunder tones said “Stop. That song will freeze hell
over.” Surely it must have been a cold
song indeed to have such a depressing effect.
We recall another happening here in Macon County. In the years gone by, the church appointed two brethren to employ a minister to hold a revival meeting, the church being without a pastor or minister. They went horseback into another county and secured the help of a certain Baptist minister, who returned to the church with the two brethren. These brethren had for some time been engaged in doing a lot of singing in their church, having had two or three singing schools, and naturally they were proud of their singing ability. So at the first service of the revival, they were singing with about all the zeal they had, using some of the new songs in the new book. The old preacher sat in the pulpit until the singing was over and then arose; and, stroking his long beard, said: “Brethren, I do not know how your religion is; but, if it is no better than your sing, you do not have any.” This made the deacons mad and one of the two sent for the new minister states that he looked over at the other and saw that he had slid far down on his seat and was “sitting on his back.” This deacon, after listening to the sermon, which was perhaps nothing to brag about, planned to say to the old preacher: “I do not know how your religion is; but, if it is no better than your preaching, you do not have any.” However, he desisted and soon found that the old preacher wanted the old-time songs and his wishes were granted and a good meeting resulted. This happened near Lafayette and is a true story.